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Take Pride in Your Stride

What uniquely distinguishes you from the 8 billion other people hanging out on planet Earth? Your personality? Your fingerprints? Your DNA? Well, scientists from several European universities recently published a paper that concluded that there is only one attribute that is guaranteed to differentiate you from everyone else -- your footsteps.

Building on groundbreaking research conducted by the British Ministry of Silly Walks during the 1970's, the scientists used pressure-sensitive mats to accumulate data on the full range of footstep patterns - from the pitter-patter of penny loafers to the ponderous ploddings of waffle stompers. Analyzing this information with advanced computer algorithms, the researchers claim that without error they were able to decipher a walker's sex, age, and personality. They assert that this new technology is even able to tell by the way you use your walk, if you're a woman's man, with no time to talk. So make sure you put your best foot forward and take pride in your stride because soon enough it will be scrutinized to reveal everything about you.

After monitoring the gait of the test subject pictured above, the researchers were able to deduce with 95% confidence that he is a harmless, friendly fellow that likes nothing better than receiving hugs from strangers.